12:57 AM on December 25th, 2020.
I am not a night owl whatsoever. In fact, I’m an early riser and usually in bed by nine, ten o’clock. So, when I have nights like these, I really cherish them. I’m not super in touch with horoscopes and astrology, but if it’s one thing I can say that is true to a Virgo, is our tendency to be deep thinkers. I’m madly in love with that quality. It challenges me in new ways to push myself and ultimately live in my divine purpose. I was lying in bed and was searching for a downloaded document in my phone when I stumbled across my virtual graduation ceremony my family and friends surprised me with back in May. So, I played it back. But this time I really took in the words that everyone said to me. Not that I didn’t hear it the first time, but since it was a surprise I was in total shock and so elated in the moment. The words didn’t resonate with me the first time I heard it. This was intended to be a celebration of my continued success in nursing, but as I really sat and listened to the words that were being spoken about me, I quickly realized people see me another light. A light that I initially thought had been diming. When in fact, the light had never broke through the clouds yet. I am now starting to realize who I am, who I am in God, my purpose on this earth and everything that I bring to this world. I am so many things beyond a nurse and never knew it. Hearing someone say, “they look up to me and see my growth”, “seeing me evolve in such minimal time is amazing to watch” and things like “I admire your writing and blog” literally took my breath away. I cried, cried my eyes out listening to that ceremony. I am immensely proud of furthering my education, but I’m not going to lie, what I took from all that had nothing to do with nursing. I was astonished to see that I am valued and seen as someone with much power. I want to show up as that woman from here on out.
I used to always say that I didn’t have any talents. I can’t sing, I’m not artistic, I don’t play an instrument etc. I’m just smart and worked my way through school. Even though I contribute to society as a nurse and we are needed now more than ever, I never felt like that was enough or was something to be talked about. Crazy right?! That’s exactly why I wanted to have a moment of transparency, erase the original blog post I had written and really unsubscribe to my own bullshit, before I even dare to help you unsubscribe to yours. Because as good as that post was, I fluffed the fuck out of my bullshit and didn’t even realize it. So, let’s start over.
I know we all love to create visions boards and set our boundaries for the new year, but what purpose does that serve us if we aren’t weeding through and releasing our bullshit? Back in December, we experienced “The Great Conjunction” where Jupiter and Saturn would appear to overlap for the first time since 1623. It was said to be a major shift in energy and a spiritual awaking. On that particular day, I had the opportunity to journal, meditate, pray, and manifest the space I wanted to create in my life. But I didn’t just allow space to come into my life. I used that time to release things that I no longer wanted to carry. I took that moment to write down everything in life that I wanted to release, I wrote it in plain on paper and then burned it. Something about that felt good af to me! So, I want to share that experience with you as we navigate through this new year.
Often, we want to unsubscribe from other people’s bullshit, but let’s be clear…that’s never going to manifest itself until we hit the off button on our own shit first. The same goes with creating new visions for our life. We as humans do not hold the capacity to hold on to an extraordinary life while still being held hostage by our old lives. Until you get rid of things that are taking up too much of your time and space, sis you can close that planner, that guided meditation, all that! Seriously, before you write down your goals ask yourself, “what must I release in order to make room for my new life?” Get ready to be real and raw with yourself because that’s how you grow. We do ourselves a dishonor when we aren’t vulnerable and allow transparency within ourselves. It’s YOU against YOU. Don’t be the person holding you back from the life that is ultimately created for you to be great.
Hearing people speak so highly of me had me question why I don’t feel the same way at times. I didn’t have talents, so I thought because I wasn’t creating the space to have them. I was holding on for dear life to negative thinking that wouldn’t allow my talent to reveal itself to me. I hold so much power and in fact, I do have talents. I’m a whole ass writer and it never fucking occurred to me, even while writing blogs until recently! Maybe it’s not the traditional talents everyone knows or sees on the regular, but this blog has helped create a new definition of who Tajae` is. More importantly, nursing has helped me to create this space. I typically don’t like to speak on what I’m trying to embark on until I’ve reached my destination, but it’s so necessary in this moment. I want to become a travel nurse and am moving steadily towards that goal; I should be taking on that journey very soon. That scares me beyond ways that I can express, not only in the aspect of nursing but in so many other ways. After continued sessions with my therapist, I’ve come to terms that I have a major fear of letting go. My therapist is helping me understand and become okay with creating a space to let go, with knowing I’m creating something better, ultimately what I desire. But mainly understanding I can’t do both at the same time. I must free up some things, before filling my basket up again. I hope you’re getting this because she made me realize this goes much deeper than my career. I must unsubscribe from hold habits, attachments, behaviors, and thoughts to live in my highest form. To be, value, and see myself the way my family, friends, and more importantly, the way God does. I have to unsubscribe from my bullshit.
See, in the past I was feeding myself lies in a sense. I presented myself as this woman who was well put together and moving towards her purpose. But the moment someone else spoke that language to me and saw me in that form, it shook me! I was like hold up, who tf is that girl?! I want to be her! I wasn’t living in my truth, I knew the woman I desired to be, but I wasn’t subscribed to her! I was watching her post and liking them from a far, but I wasn’t in tune with the work that had to be put in to become her. I didn’t fully believe I was her, I was just admiring and daydreaming about her. If we really want to be real, let’s touch on these men (just for a second though, we’ll dive deeper another day, I promise). For so long, I set these expectations (or so I thought, again) of the type of man I wanted to be with or the type of relationship I desired. Yet even when I wasn’t getting half of what I deserved or my needs weren’t being fully met, I found myself still sticking around. We are not what people do to us and every relationship isn’t terrible. Although, I don’t know about you, but I have to take ownership in what I settled for at times. There’s no way I can create this expectation of my dream husband and expect to manifest that relationship, but don’t hold the men I date to the standard. How tf does that work? It doesn’t sis, it just doesn’t. The men weren’t the problem, I was. Again, I don’t control what a man can and cannot fulfil, but what I can control is my time and the energy I allow in my life. I’m changing all this right now. It’s going to take a lot of baby steps. But like many of you, I’m ready to be exactly who God created me to be. Limitless and full of fucking talent! I’m a writer (I had to say it again)! I’m someone’s future wife and mother. More importantly, I’m now more than ever, willing to do the work to help cultivate that woman in every aspect of my life. I'm ready to believe I am all those things. I’m locking in and hitting the unsubscribe button on my bullshit and I encourage you to take some time for yourself and do the same. You’re worth the journey. Release that shit!
I am unsubscribing and releasing limiting beliefs, disempowering emotions, anxiety, trapped energy, fear, lack of commitment, old habits, lack of self-discipline, my ego, past traumas, doubt, worry, people who are no longer serving me and anything that is not God sent.
AMEN!